I have lived, and worked through some of these histories. I have climbed mountains at times, and at other times, lost and fell toward the depths of uncertainty.
Uncertainty, it is in fact a fear that governs all our fears in a way. The uncertainty of outcome. The uncertainty of ability. The uncertainty of knowledge.
But never, have I once governed myself with the idea, of the Uncertainty of passion. Mine is an unwavering sort. I am foolish to think as I do, that such a heart can build upon a stone to create a monument worth noting. I do however feel, as if my foolishness has led me to greater strides and greater peaks that many will never come to see. I feel no fear as I stand from these great giants of blood, sweat, and commitment. I look across the horizon and feel as I have become something more than what I dreamed to be. As if it is I who shapes my destiny, in conjunction towards a fate that may very well be a certainty, but is molded towards the repercussions of my decision… and the choices of my integrity.
And alas, I approach another mountain. A lumbering titan of impeccable beauty and danger, who looks to me as a man does to his smallest mouse. Who asks me to climb towards it’s highest reaches, and look upon the world as I so choose, believing in my heart that I am more than just man. Flesh and bone. And yet I climb it’s rocks and jagged edges, I cut myself upon a stone and bleed a blood so familiar from my past life.
I have felt this before.
Deeply the wound pours from my skin as I climb higher, and slowly it begins to gnaw at my consciousness. I look towards the titan, and he stares at me again, his silence unwavering, his challenge unresolved. I continue, but the wound does not retract. I feel the blood pour down my fingers, and onto the rocks I soar above. I look below, and it feels I have yet to even attain an inch from surface. It feels as if I have climbed too long, and yet, I remain towards the ground as if I was bird who could not fly above his dreams.
I push harder towards the peaks, and I cut my fingers deeper upon the edges, as the titan begs me to soar above it’s feet. And yet my body cannot hold itself for long, as it falls into uncertainty once again.
And I ask only “Why?”. Is it power? Do I lack the power to pull myself towards a sky I wish to touch and feel so dearly? Is it knowledge? Do I know not of peril and wonder which lie ahead of me, and wish for my turn my back and run away? Ability? Is my fate a predetermined outcome, for I am unable to shape the future I wish to hold? Or is it my passion? Do I want to climb this mountain, and stare across its peaks—and know its wonder.
No. I am uncertain of many things, but never of my heart and all it’s passion.
I place my hands upon the dirt and sharpest grains of the rocks above me. I push myself upwards. My mind it tells me “You may fail.” My heart, it gives me wonder. I pull and push and bleed a blood I’ve never bled before, and yet I push myself higher, until my hands are red and coarse.
And my mind it races fear throughout, as if my destiny is not towards this peak… as if my soul belongs upon the other mountains—and that the depths below scream towards me. And I hear my heart, as it moves my hand, and bleeds upon the rock above me.
And I climb. I sweat and fear no longer any distance to my goal. I cry towards the peak of the mountain “I am coming!” And the titan looks towards me, silent as ever. And I hold… hold onto the dream I feel my scars and wounds will bring me, for while the others feel no need for these, I embrace them deeply.
And I stand. I stand upon the rock I now, have climbed so far to reach. And look at the horizon and see the sun rise in the distance. And I smile, for I know that I have climbed the mountain on this day of days. And I smile, for I know that this horizon is more beautiful from a higher plane.
And I climb again. Through blood and sweat, and tears.
And hope.
-Zaid Tabani
A.K.A. Fuck you people. I’m winning Evo next year.
